Currently Sounan see related

A new use

My Xanga has only be used inconsistently, so i think, a great idea would to be use it , to record my dreams. That way i can interpret and reflect on them. I thought about this because of a dream i had last night, I just remember said dream by looking at my niece who is a year and 2 months old.

Last night i had a dream about me being able to talk to my child self, like i went back in time. I was sooo fascinated, the only thing is i didn't tell her who i was, or anything like that.. i just asked her, "what are you afraid of?" I don't remember her answer but i asked her if she was afraid of the things i was afraid of, and she said no.

I thought about it, how being a child your so innocent and unaware of your surroundings and that in turn makes you so much happier, becoming older and More aware ..eh..everyone is living in fear except children.

it's strange, usually your dreams aren't supposed to make any sense. my seems very true though. I'm so scared these days, my kid self would have been like :shrugs:

Did you ever..?

Have a very important dream about someone? Where in that dream you could feel everything, the air, the lights reflecting off of your skin? I had a brief yet very important dream, i don't know why its important yet but as soon as i woke up the feeling of importants was burnt inside of me.

The dream started off with the everyday typical routine for me sitting in the brightly lite cafitera waiting for Philip to come up behind me to pat me on the shoulder than sit beside me, liek any other school day. This time.. The lighting is more.. greenish, theres a certian hue to it, like horror movie lighting, even though the area is poorly lite around us, I can feel my heart speed up so fastly as soon as i feel him hold me from behind. Like always, as soon as i awknowledge his exsistance.. My heart and everything jumps outward and its the same feeling, just.. security..

He holds me from behind and tilts his head around and looks me in the eyes from the left side of my body, i look over and look into his eyes as i always do, im appreciating it more than usual, the lighting in the room is making his eyes seem more enticing than usual. Almost like, they arn't eyes of a human. Than agian i always do kiddingly say hes my angel. Everything is slowed down but us, ..he looks at me and says "I' m so sorry, I missed you soo much too"

Than, I can't remember anythign else after that, that was it. so short yet so important, Philip is vactioning down south and i havnt seen him in a week or so..it feels so long, I was missing him terribly so that dream just, make me wish it wasn't a dream.

I don't understand why it felt so profound. It was like.. a gun being fired that could be heard echoing for miles, everythign stood still and there was nothing more important in the whole world than us.

Apperently.. it's liek that on occasion says others, people who watch us together say that its like no one else is there..almost like were in a world of our own. xD

I don't know about that~ But.. I dunno, When im around him its like im paralyzed I just.. can't give any thought to anything other than him.

Theres so many things I want to do with him, hes like that perfect guy, the one you want to see you as who you are. I let him hold me when im not wearing makeup or im in my mix matched pajamas XD with my kitty cat slippers XD hehe

I let him watch embarassing videos of me dressed as a crackhead growling XD ..And he can still look into my eyes with the same out of love..and most importantly, I can cry infront of him and tell him about my flaws and wrong doings, knowing he will never see me any less than he does.

I want to be able to sing infront of him, and play violin for him,take happy photos for once.. I just want to make so many happy memories. Even though.. im repenting for all my sins and my terrible habitual behavior, when im with him he makes me feel like im a little kid agian, like i never messed up. My eyes glow soo bright because of him, i can't help it.. i could never apologize for how infatuated i am either. its not some lustful thing either.. People love others for certian reason, this is the first time i can say i love someone because they make the pain and fears go away.

I told him I wouldnt mind spending the rest of time with him...and it doesn't imply..that i wasnt marriage right away b.c thats rediculous to even bring that up, i just feel as though i found a person who could never make me bitter and wilt over time.

I hope he never reads this

Its something to feel overtime, not somethign to plan. NEVER make plans because they never work out as planed.

^//^

About 2 years ago i would have told you that i was gonna be misrable forever. Probably laid in bed crying myself to sleep and just not wanting to be concious. It was a lot for me to stomach and im glad that i was able to. even if i feel like a part of me died in order to grow up.  I guess the reason im saying all of this is because, this is the happiest ive been in a long time. I finally have a good relationship with a person i can talk to. Its not some lustful teenage waste of time, where the ppl think they are gonna be together forever and are so guilable.

Not only a few months ago i swore i was neutral and just stayed clear away from people b.c after ..things, i felt like i could never love anyone else ever again. Ive come a long ways in the passed 5 months.

I sincerely found religion.

I can talk without cursing like a sailor and I am learning to love myself a bit more with each passing momment i spend with my significant other.

I just feel refreshed. School life isn't as prductive because i want to spend as much time as possible with him before he goes off to college.

It feels like no matter i'll be, if im lost in a crowd of people hes the first face i could recognize no matter how far away. I feel so familar to him.

Im in shock. I seriously didnt think i could like someone this much ever again. 

I tell him how much i appreciate him, and i hold him as delicate as i can. just to savor the momment, taking into consideration that happiness isn't possible all the time and taking this goodness and keeping it intact.

Ive let a lot of things slip and get messed up, out of doubt, fear or just sheer laziness. But i realllly want this, i dont know why. but i do. it feels so natural. I can't give up. I just..cant stop smiling

Currently Listening Chobits 002 By Keitaro Takanami, Rie Tanaka NINGYO HIME see related

I' m just sitting here..waiting to see if the last night of our haunted park is cancelled. :: Looks out window ::

It's pouring..so I' m assuming it's cancelled. Either way theres no way I'd go. I finally was in the cememtery this year. Its not as good as the OR, But the strobe lights mess me up a lot. So I just decided what the hell, give the cemetery a chance. So my friend Phil and I went as a victorian Pair. It was great~ we got to wear ascots haha~!

Saara and I waltzed to one of my fav songs~ It was a good time~!

Tonight was supposed to be my night as a nurse.

unfortinately ..the weather is so crappy that i might have to miss out on my long tradition of being the convulsing nurse.

I guess it's for the best.. my neck is killing me >.< ~

Currently Listening 24 Wishes By Rie Tanaka see related

~,~

I' m missing someone right now.

>,< enough to the point where im writing a vauge blog about them.

I thought i would never be able to like anyone ever agian. In such a short time it took me by suprise. I can't say I' m in love. Thats a rediculous assumption. What I can say is.. even though I havent a clue of whats to happen.. I'm content for the first time in a while.

I miss this person because they are away for a few days >.<;

It's like..withdrawl or something. They are like crack to me hahaha

In psychology I was taught that a person who is neurotic often can borrow the will of another person through touch, or even something as simple as a face or a name. Even a song they once used to like. In this case.. all I have to do is be near this person and my blood starts flowing through me like crazy. I' m all warm and fuzzy ^//^

Because this person cares for me, I can care for them. without the fears.